His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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