she takes plan B like it's going out of style
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
