i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
