this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
