I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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