Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
