I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
