fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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