You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
