eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
