I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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