Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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