I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
