Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
