New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
