i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
