when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
