Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
