My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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