omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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