I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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