i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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