if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
