God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
