oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
