Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize