I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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