I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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