I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The cops high fived after they tackled you
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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