awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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