My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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