I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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