How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
