he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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