U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize