this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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