i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
smell my finger.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
