never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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