It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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