Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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