Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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