So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
