1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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