i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
