i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
