I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
