Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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