I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
