I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
