have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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