i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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