Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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