My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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