I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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