I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
