it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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