Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
