I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
