...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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