he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
