i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
