He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
