I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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